The Gift of Loneliness

Of course, loneliness can feel like a horrible curse that threatens to crush our soul. I think especially of the loneliness that sometimes comes in the midst of a loving relationship. This man or woman sitting across the table from you or lying in bed next to you, whom you love deeply, has become almost a stranger. Something huge and ugly has come between you. There is no levity, no joy, probably no sex, maybe few if any words. Some pain filled crisis in the relationship has frozen body and soul. Causes vary dramatically. But into the midst of long term loving relationships, the curse of this kind of horrible loneliness enters on some occasions. And it is as if a black hole exists between two people sucking all light and love and happiness into it. So, yes, loneliness can be a curse.

Yes, but loneliness is a gift. While traveling in Russia, I met relatively few people who spoke English. In my wonderful, small hotel in St.Petersburg, most visitors where European or Russian and we never seemed to be able to coordinate dinner plans. So for a week, I found my way to restaurants that had been recommended by a friend and ate alone. The first 3 nights I felt very uncomfortable. Self consciously, I would drink my beer slowly and hope that the service was prompt. I would look around at happy laughing couples and families and groups of students. Not many other folks dining alone. It is not an experience I have had very often.

Loneliness or being alone though leads me to think alot about my life and story and journey. I missed my wife and yearned to be able to share the days and nights with her. But then I decided to bring my journal to dinner. At a restaurant called Faces, I observed a young woman who also happened to have brought a journal and I realized it isn't such a weird thing to do. I journaled about the day but also about old memories. In the spirit I found myself carried back into my stories and the beautiful and painful soul adventures that I had shared with others. I came to love going to the restaurant alone, with my journal. I felt surrounded by a mighty cloud of witnesses from my life and I was engaged in holy dialogue with those witnesses. There is a great gift in this kind of loneliness.